It's hard to believe that almost four months have passed since we landed on this exotic island. I vividly remember racing along the winding roads in a taxi that first day- our bags strewn across my lap. My hopes strewn across my heart. Roatan was more than a place. It was the staging point for a dream. It was more than a destination. It was a turning point in a life burning bright. It was more than sand and sea. It was a cocoon for everything we deemed daring, adventurous and brave. This place - these people - became a catalyst for our life less ordinary.
And now, in the plain fashion that it always has, time ticks on. The hour of our departure looms. There is much to be said about what we have learnt and who we have become in this diving mecca, but words just seem to fall short. There are so many things we need to say, and yet, this comfortable silence seems understood. This etheral place shines with the secret knowledge that it houses something magnificent. It's almost as though God presents His finest showings in every dive...in every sunset...in every wave that breaks the shore. We are blessed to have seen it firsthand.
There is more adventure ahead. Although this is an ending, it isn't the end. We leave for Houston on Christmas Eve and then for South Africa on Dec. 26th. Contact will be limited until we arrive on the 28th (our computer is also broken). We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas season! God bless all of you.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Finally Living! (Dec. 13/09)
There is something to be said for finally living. I thought I was free for most of my life - free to make my own decisions, free to choose my own path, free to be the person I truly wanted to be. I was wrong. It took coming on this trip for me to realize that I have always been tied up in the weight of other people's expectations. I've never been the type of person to blindly follow the will of others, but I did let their fear and misgivings dissuade me from pursuing life. I'm not talking about getting that job that you've always dreamed about or finally saving up for that car you've always talked about. I'm not discussing financing a great house or taking a trip once a year. I'm talking about LIVING - feeling the blood rush through your veins...feeling the fear of not knowing what's around the corner and going there anyway...feeling the piss-in-your-pants nervousness and doing it regardless. Those other things are by-products. They aren't the parts that count.
Last night I spent some time reading an old journal I'd save online. It was angry, regretful and unsure. I read over three years worth of entries and could see the twists and turns in my life. Looking back, I realized that there was only one real problem. Although I couldn't see it at the time, I was trying to be someone I wasn't. It's that plain and simple. The funny thing is, the journal ends when I meet Kevin. There are no more entries because I could finally be exactly who I wanted to be. He and I were the same in all the ways that count. There were no unrealistic expectations anymore. I could breathe.
As we approach the end of our trip to Roatan, I can see more and more how this place - these people - have changed me. Even after I met Kevin and felt more at peace, there was still this restless disquiet within my life. I had this nervous energy that translated well when it came to my journalism jobs, but not so well in my personal life. It was fear...fear that I wasn't really living. Truth is, I wasn't. I was bored and, deep inside, I knew there had to be more. There is....hells yes there is!!! I found it in Roatan.
Three and a half years ago, while I was writing that last journal entry, if you had told me I'd be here teaching my first open water course, I would have laughed! How could I go from that state to this one? It is literally a lifetime apart. But I have. Somehow I pulled it off. It wasn't easy and I made mistakes, but I learnt a hell of a lot (much like this topsy-turvy thing called life).
So to anyone who is reading this and feeling that same disquiet inside, stop trying to live and just live. I know what you're experiencing. It's that ache lingering before you fall asleep reminding you that you're missing out on a great adventure. It's that ball of nerves encouraging you to take a blind leap of faith and do something different. It's the little voice in your head telling you that you deserve more than what you've been offering yourself. We are each given only a certain number of days and decisions on this Earth. Make sure each one of yours counts.
I'll leave you with something I wrote a couple of months ago describing my emotions now...
"...and so life continues on this strange little island of ours. This morning I woke up at 4 a.m. unable to contain the swelling delirium of dreams crowding my mind. I stumbled onto the balcony and fell into the soft spools of the hammock. The air was thick with salt and heavy-lidded clouds burgeoned with the weight of water. For once, my breathing wasn't laboured with thick humidity and my skin didn't prickle with kisses from the sun. I fell into an ocean of warmth, nonsensical dreams remembering my life before its kismit connection to this electric place....thankful for all that was, all that is and all that will be."
Last night I spent some time reading an old journal I'd save online. It was angry, regretful and unsure. I read over three years worth of entries and could see the twists and turns in my life. Looking back, I realized that there was only one real problem. Although I couldn't see it at the time, I was trying to be someone I wasn't. It's that plain and simple. The funny thing is, the journal ends when I meet Kevin. There are no more entries because I could finally be exactly who I wanted to be. He and I were the same in all the ways that count. There were no unrealistic expectations anymore. I could breathe.
As we approach the end of our trip to Roatan, I can see more and more how this place - these people - have changed me. Even after I met Kevin and felt more at peace, there was still this restless disquiet within my life. I had this nervous energy that translated well when it came to my journalism jobs, but not so well in my personal life. It was fear...fear that I wasn't really living. Truth is, I wasn't. I was bored and, deep inside, I knew there had to be more. There is....hells yes there is!!! I found it in Roatan.
Three and a half years ago, while I was writing that last journal entry, if you had told me I'd be here teaching my first open water course, I would have laughed! How could I go from that state to this one? It is literally a lifetime apart. But I have. Somehow I pulled it off. It wasn't easy and I made mistakes, but I learnt a hell of a lot (much like this topsy-turvy thing called life).
So to anyone who is reading this and feeling that same disquiet inside, stop trying to live and just live. I know what you're experiencing. It's that ache lingering before you fall asleep reminding you that you're missing out on a great adventure. It's that ball of nerves encouraging you to take a blind leap of faith and do something different. It's the little voice in your head telling you that you deserve more than what you've been offering yourself. We are each given only a certain number of days and decisions on this Earth. Make sure each one of yours counts.
I'll leave you with something I wrote a couple of months ago describing my emotions now...
"...and so life continues on this strange little island of ours. This morning I woke up at 4 a.m. unable to contain the swelling delirium of dreams crowding my mind. I stumbled onto the balcony and fell into the soft spools of the hammock. The air was thick with salt and heavy-lidded clouds burgeoned with the weight of water. For once, my breathing wasn't laboured with thick humidity and my skin didn't prickle with kisses from the sun. I fell into an ocean of warmth, nonsensical dreams remembering my life before its kismit connection to this electric place....thankful for all that was, all that is and all that will be."
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